Project August

1. jamie Said,

   proofread my college essay.?
   Tear into this. Make me cry at how bad this essay is.

   Jamie Skala
   English, IV
   Ms. Morgan
   5 October 2009
   Lizards and Life
   In the hobby of lizard keeping, amateur herpetologists attempt to replicate the natural environment of various reptiles. Having kept lizards successfully for five years now, I have learned the ins and outs of lizard keeping, or “herping” as it is colloquially known within the hobby. I quickly realized that most of the romanticized images of elaborate cages filled with sand and many different species of lizards were completely unacceptable, and while they may look nice for a short while reality would quickly set in, in the form of sick and dieing reptiles. There is a fairly standard formula for keeping reptiles. The formula is two steps long: get the environmental conditions and food items right, and guess work, guess work, guess work. Step two can vary in difficulty within species, individuals, and across ages. And I think that it is in these ways that life closely parallels my most cherished hobby.
   I have learned that the reptile’s habitat is the most important aspect of its husbandry. If you live in the wrong place you will not thrive. I think that I have to live in the right conditions to thrive. I like to interact with other people but at the same time I feel as if I need some alone time. Every reptile that I can think of needs to have some sort of hide away, whether it’s a cave to sleep in, a hollow log to escape from the warmth of the heat lamp, or just a few faux leaves to get away from it all now and again. Privacy is a very important part of my life, and it’s hard to find at home with my parents, grandparents, and two young sisters living in the same house. Sometimes I will sit in my room with the door closed just listening to music and I find that this is the easiest way just to get away from it all. I am not a person that needs to have company around to thrive, but I enjoy it. I feel just as comfortable sitting and working alone, whether I am doing homework or sculpting a new water feature for a frog tank that inevitably lost funding, or working together with people that I know such as my 5 day long service project with the local chapter of The ARC over the summer.
   The second most important aspect of the proper care of reptiles is their food. The improper food or even the proper food coupled with improper substrate lining the bottom of the tank could easily kill the lizard. Many people take what they read for granted, they don’t bother to look for more sources, or they think that there is no spin on what they read. They unknowingly take in some biased information with every article that they do not bother to check the facts, just as certain unfortunate lizards accidentally eat sand when striking at prey just because their ill informed owners believed the lies that manufacturers market their products with just to make a profit. I believe that proper research is something that is frequently over looked. I have found that in the 3 years I have kept my bearded dragon that he is quite picky. My “beardie” will only eat collard greens if they are mixed romaine lettuce, he loves bell peppers but only if they are red and he will not touch the salad if there are any cucumbers in it. He knows what he wants, not unlike a demanding boss, and he can tell if there are any inconsistencies within the salad, just as I believe that it is imperative that everyone should be able to smell out inconsistencies within periodicals and the media. It is this drive within me that I believe most defines my character; It is this drive within me that led me to take a critical look at the world and after much deliberation I decided to reject the notion of an improvable god and to, instead, embrace science and agnosticism, as I believe that it is equally incorrect to claim that there is no chance that there is a deity.
   The final piece of the puzzle is guess work. When you first enter the esteemed hobby of herping you may not realize that every reptile is unique. You quickly find out once you get home and your brand new leopard gecko seems to be completely uninterested in the food that you have carefully dusted with leopard gecko diet. Some are just picky eaters, you need to learn that going all out is not the best idea, maybe you should just stick to the basics, cheap calcium powder may be preferred over expensive minutely small jars (if they can even be called that) of leopard gecko diet. Nevertheless; some people, teachers, and bosses that I have to work with may just be completely unreasonable, they demand feathers and sparkles over substance and depth of knowledge and it impacts you, the results stick on you for a long time. Those results may not compare to the smells that can come out of a beardie with an upset stomach though! But I adapt, I try to make the best of bad situations and attempt to change in order to make the best of the situation, I try new methods of working, just as I tried n

2. dlakers8 Said,

   i didnt read all of it, but you need a conclusion paragraph that sums up basically everything you just said. I mean you only have 4 paragraphs, and the basic rule of thumb is, (at least for me that is) is that every paper should have AT LEAST 5 paragraphs. intro, 3 body, and conclusion. thats the basic format, but of course that changes depending on the paper.

   i usually end up writing more, like sometimes i will have 3 body paragraphs right, but i will have 3 more paragraphs kinda like supporting paragraphs. of course they go one after the other
   for example:
   intro
   1st body
   1st support to body
   2nd body
   2nd support
   etc
   conclusion

   Im a senior in college, so ive learned how to write a good paper, which of course most people do by the time they’re a senior. But lets be truthful, not everyone does.

   good luck w. the paper
   References :

3. ownpool Said,

   The essay if much better than average, and I read several each week.

   The subject is unusual and it is on the long side. Some colleges will require shorter essays on specific subjects.

   Remove the reference to "god" and your thoughts about that subject. Religious convictions do not ever belong in a college essay unless you are applying to a religious college. With that exception, the college does not want to know about an applicant’s religious beliefs or lack thereof and it is very bad form to make reference to them.

   Use the phrase "guess work" only once. Never repeat a phrase or word in succession in writing non-fiction.

   Recheck your spelling, remove acronyms, don’t start a sentence with "But" or "And", remove the word "you" and restructure the sentences that include it. Use punctuation appropriately–I am referring to ! and ;, or better, don’t use these two marks at all. Spell out numbers below eleven. Divide your first paragraph into two or three paragraphs at least. Try to shorten some of your sentences by breaking them in two or eliminating an unnecessary clause or phrase.

   You might want to omit some of the details about the gecko. Most readers will get bored with so much detail and including it does not contribute to the essay in any event. Most colleges want no more than five hundred words and many want less.

   I’ve referenced the items which stand out. Of course, the more times, within reason, that a piece of writing is revised, the better it gets. I just finished taking a recently published book through six drafts. I would rate your essay as it stands at A-, with the stipulations that its length is acceptable and that I have ignored the religious reference. With my suggestions, you can raise that grade to an A+. If you wish me to critique actual essays or statements which you will be sending to colleges, please feel free to email on Y!A and ask for easy instructions on sending your work to me by ordinary email. You are a good writer. Your work just needs polishing. Good luck.
   References :

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